A Receiving of Myself – Non-Chemical Dependence
“The experience was incredible – incredibly intense, full of integrity, and richly nauseating…”
I took Ibogaine on December 21, 1997, at about 9:00 am. The experience was incredible – incredibly intense, full of integrity, and richly nauseating. I felt scared and ready to be supported by this agent. And, after the planning and getting ready, I was looking forward to getting started. My mantra going into the experience was “Simply, Sweetly, Gently.” This was how I wanted my experience to be throughout and how I wanted to receive the healing. It was only about 30 hours later that I got how simply, sweetly, gently my experience truly was because parts of it looked nothing like “simply, sweetly, gently.”
After I took the medicine, I got in bed. It was dark, quiet, and safe. Within 15-20 minutes I could feel it coming on. Like I usually do when I am scared and receiving the medicine of an agent and entering the unknown, I moved my body and breathed deeply. I did not know not to move as the medicine was entering my body, and that if I did move, I could throw up.
So, I was on and the medicine was starting. It was intense from the beginning. There were sounds, like a helicopter propeller whirring from each ear, and incredible bedspins… out through the roof, into the Universe, into the unknown. There were times that my head was spinning and thrashing. These experiences would come in waves, each being more intense than the previous one. At each mellow spot, I could feel the medicine moving throughout my body and subsequently, I moved my body to “help” it get in me. I felt very nauseous.
At this early point, the medicine started communicating… he (it felt like a he at this point) said, “You are trying be God. Stop this. You thought God wasn’t capable and that you could do it better. You can’t.” This message was words and feeling tones. I was amazed. How did the medicine know that this was my major control plan and, therefore, addiction? My conditioning and background lead me to fight life, not trust; to plan my life so as not to have to trust, and try to be God in God’s place.
I knew right away how accurate this communication was. I got even more scared. I had tried so hard throughout life to cover up my fears, insecurities, and control plans. I would “meet” life head on, get stronger and stronger, and puff up my energy to protect my scared, insecure self and fight, struggle, compete. The strength of this medicine immediately let me know that I would not be able to fight, struggle, or compete with it like I had with God and the Patriarch. I felt very small and out-of-control. I threw up the medicine.
It was not my intention to throw up. I fought to keep it down and was very disappointed when I couldn’t. I was getting more scared… I didn’t understand why I was throwing up. I had done everything right, hadn’t I? And, thus, another great understanding… all my life and energy was spent making sure I did everything right. This was the only acceptable way to live, I thought. So, upon ingesting the medicine, I was doing it right…I was moving my fear, I was keeping my energy moving so as to “help” myself receive it, I was puffing myself up to “meet” this entity, and I was making myself nauseous and sick. Instead of doing all the right things, what I needed to do was listen. I needed to get present with myself, my body, and surrender rather than do what I had pre-conceived was the right thing to do. Thus, another immediate gift of the medicine.
Throughout these understandings and experiences, the sounds and frequencies were increasing, as were the bedspins. In between throwing up, I was having great recognitions. Another communication the medicine made was that it was time for me to stop competing with male authorities. This was the second layer of the previous understanding around trying to be God. I understood that partly why I was having a hard time keeping the medicine in me was because of this competition. To feel that it was time to give up this control plan was an understatement. I saw that my dad had this type of competition with God and the Patriarch also and that I had also made my dad God and the local authority as I grew up and that much of my energy as I grew up was used to compete with my dad and, since I was trying to be God, I was supposed to be better than my dad. So, competition and rebellion was all wrapped into one tight, scared girl/woman. I could instantly understand why my life had included the experiences it has. I had programmed myself to have it this way.
At this point, my body was having a tough time. The throwing up was painful. The medicine works in very unique ways physically as far as the energy moving in and around my body. I had all kinds of shakes and vibrations. All were frequencies that were strong yet not overriding. Intense yet safe was the feeling tone.
The bit that I had digested was slowing down. I had no idea how much I had thrown up until my fianc¨¦ told me it was about ? of the dose. It was time to re-ingest the medicine, a thought that was hard to fathom. Lifting my head was an amazing chore so sitting up seemed like a very distant and remote possibility. I re-ingested the medicine and did not move! No way was I going to move and go through this again!
Phase two came on in a much more mellow way. The pace in phase one was that of a freight train and this phase was more Earth-paced. The energy was more female than male. There were very intense phases that were followed by mellow times that lasted a couple of minutes to half an hour. Each intense phase had a purpose. One phase was connecting with my family members who are no longer living. We would connect and share. I asked many questions of them and received their advice and perspectives.
Another phase was going through any and all experiences from my past where I was holding any shame, guilt, or embarrassment. I would find myself in the exact situation that the original experience occurred in. I would be eight years old in school and then be at college talking to my coach and then go to my parent’s house. The medicine picked the places and situations and it didn’t spare the details. The clarity was amazing. Once in these situations, I connected with what had happened and with the energy I was still holding. Then the medicine provided the opportunity to redo the experience. At the point that I wanted to change the outcome or my response or whatever, I had the choice to do that. The change was instant and refreshing. On a few of the more intense situations, I would go back there again thinking that I could not trust the immediateness of the change. Upon going back, there was no energy left in the experiences. The medicine would say something like, “You see? Do you get it? We have already been here and you are complete.” It was so undramatic.
Another phase was learning about my empathic listener. This phase was cartoony in its visuals. I would be in social setting; a party. Someone would be saying something that wasn’t true and I would beam bubbles of what they really meant above their heads for all to see. I had an understanding that to mis-use this ability was back in the territory of competing with God. I received clarity about how to embrace my empathic listener and share it if appropriate without competition.
Throughout this second phase two women guided me. One provided the “Voice of Understanding” and the other provided the “Voice of Integration.” I had these guides with me throughout sometimes with one stronger or more present than the other. They spoke to me in feeling tones that were very clear and visuals that were clear and abstract at the same time. There was no vagueness with this medicine and I appreciated this.
Phase three has been just as intense. As the medicine was slowing, the understanding and unraveling was increasing. This started about the 24th hour and lasted about ten days. This period showed me the addictions I am unraveling. I received clarity about all my choices simply by starting to make choices as the medicine was slowing. I saw that my addiction is many places:
Addiction to self-sabotage
(making decisions that lead to me not loving or trusting myself)
Addiction to not trusting my choices or behaviors
Addiction to competition, struggle, and fight
Addiction to competing with men, males, authority
Addiction to covering my insecurities
Addiction to revving… keeping my pace intense, myself intense (to avoid intimacy)
Addiction to using my voice and energy to rev and be intense (to avoid intimacy)
Addiction to indulgence
At one point during my experience, I received the task of re-learning relationship. I was told that relationships are different than I had ever thought or let them be. I recognized that I thought relationships contained all the above list to some degree. Not that I thought all my friends and family were doing these things but that I was doing these things and had established these as my basecamp for relationship. These were such deep grooves in my neurology that I was no longer actively choosing about my behaviors. They had become habits and addictions. I was avoiding my essence by using these control plans.
Since December 2lst I have been in withdrawal to these behaviors and my life has changed. I am soothing to myself and others in ways that I had only dreamed of before. I am more myself than ever and am able to be in relationships from my essence. Before I was two feet in front of myself with all these protections and barriers and now I am within myself and it feels good.
As the days continue, I am faced with opportunities to constantly choose. What makes it easy to continue choosing non-addictive behaviors is that the medicine made the CHOICE button huge. It is easy to find almost no matter where I am or what old behavior I am attempting to assemble.
The medicine provided understandings and next steps for many aspects of my life: my mate relationship, the exercises my body wants me to do, my next steps with my career and livelihood, how to deepen all my relationships, how to be in relationships without codependence, how to relax and slow down, and how to love and trust myself and God. I don’t have the reactivity to life that I had always experienced in myself. I feel an ease that I have longed for. I am humble and empowered and have received myself in the simple, sweet, gentle way that my mantra was intending.
Some details… at the thirty-six hour point I was still lying in bed or on the couch. It was hard to think or talk especially on the phone. It was hard to walk past a room with computers in it. The energies of the medicine and electronics don’t match. My physical recovery was slower than I expected. I didn’t feel sick. I felt affected and in a major transition. Just when I thought I was truly complete with the medicine, I received more waves of energy and usually had to stop whatever I was doing, lie down and relax. These experiences supported me seeing my addictions as I was usually trying to do my life like I did prior to the medicine. I spent three-four days not doing anything but resting.
I highly recommend this medicine if you want to experience a shift in the context of your life. I am living in new territory and I am a refreshed thirty-year-old. The medicine is a gift and a blessing. It is intense, safe, probing, and deeply connected. I experienced an initiation to myself, which corresponds to and supports many years of intent for my healing and freedom. I look forward to ingesting this medicine again. I am very grateful for its presence, integrity, love, and many other qualities that have touched me.