An Adventure – Chemical Dependence
“I had been struggling with my addictions for years, and I could not give up drug use or my other obsessions and compulsions…”
Wow, what an adventure. One that continues to illuminate my journey with a sense of peace and fulfillment. The plant guides that took me through this thirty-six or so hour “trip” continue to provide guidance for me today because I was taught in many ways how to tap into my own inner wisdom. I am not completely healed of all of my life’s problems, but I am well on my way through the release of old patterns and fixations, and Ibogaine helped me to do this.
The reason I did Ibogaine was because it was recommended to me by a friend, who is also a spiritual teacher in my life. This person was able to see where I was in my life, and thought that I could use a little help from the drug. I had been struggling with my addictions for years, and I could not give up drug use or my other obsessions and compulsions, though I had made some progress through spiritual practice and therapy.
So it was arranged for me to partake of this plant medicine I had heard so much about, and I went into it with no expectations or preconceived notions, which I think is helpful when doing anything this powerful.
I was guided by a “narrator,” of which I could tell nothing about. It was just a force that showed me visual images, which were projected onto a screen. These arrows would point into doors and I would have to go into them. When I went into the doors some strong visual cue would suggest something to me about my life. I would see scenes of people from my past, events, and so forth. At first I tried to reject these images because a lot of them were painful. I would put my arms over my eyes to stop myself from being able to see. But eventually I gave up resisting, it was taking too much energy, and actually making me a little nauseated.
While I could discuss many images, scenes, and lessons- the most important thread that ran through them all was the notion that in my life I have allowed my mind to terrorize my being. The way I think about the world actually clouds my clear perception of it. Because I live so much in my mind and believe every thought that asises within my being, I have actually disassociated from my body, which is the main location of wisdom and intuition. (Not the body itself, but the subtle energy fields therein). Nothing I can learn on a mental or intellectual plain can begin to touch the truth that was revealed to me through this session (and of which I had experienced or “seen” before), the truth of who I really am, which is a timeless and eternal presence. And who I am not is everything that gets in the way of that and clouds it, which for me is my incessant indulgence in my mind.
What I fought the most was when the plant showed me that my core “thought,” or identification, was that my relationship with my ex-fianc¨¦ was “special.” I really thought that this person was my soul mate and was heavily identified with that. The plant guide let me know ever so gently, that while this may or may not have some truth to it, holding onto it as I did was limiting me from experiencing myself as anything else, it was blocking out possibilities in an ever-changing, ever-expanding matrix of life and reality. I really did not want to let that one go. But finally the fight wore me out, and my mind relaxed. I realized a depth of my being that I had tasted before- that who I am is free of all conceptions and ideas that I want to obsess over because I am afraid of the discomfort of the unknown.
This journey was very embodying for me. I have lived my life hiding in the cave of my mind and could barely even have told you what it felt like inside of my body before my Ibogaine session. The narrators were very instructive to me in telling me how to reconnect with this site of wisdom, this vessel through which my life energies come into form. It told me to practice things such as yoga that would help me bring my awareness back into my body, and I have been working on it. It has been difficult for me to remember this lesson from the session, but the results of my work in this area have been profound.
Basically, through a series of revelations, I saw my true nature and I saw all that blocked me from experiencing that reality on a day to day level. I saw all of the things that I project fear, guilt, pain and anguish onto. I saw that none of those things were real, that they were all my mind’s way of keeping me “down,” so to speak. I saw that all that is real is love, acceptance, and unity. I was held by the loving arms of the plant guide, and can still feel it months later.
I was not addicted to opiates, which I understand is the primary motivation in Ibogaine therapy because of how the drug works on the brain. However, the chemicals that I was consuming on a day to day basis no longer had any intrigue to me. The clarity I felt after my few days of the session was so profound that I felt that doing drugs would actually bring me down, which was quite a different way of thinking, as I used to take them to “get high,” a concept that means nothing to me now. There is no “getting high,” there is only being free or being caged, and it is a choice. I don’t say this as a universal rule or anything, but for me drugs were a cage, because they were an addiction, something I did to not feel, detach. The times I have gone back and dabbled with the drugs I used to like to do since my session, I have suffered miserably. I felt that all I was succeeding in doing was numbing myself out. Any excuse like “Oh, but really, I’m expanding consciousness here,” or “I’m widening my perspective” no longer held any water. In part, this was also due to the fact that I had a therapist working through these kinds of issues with me. It is really difficult for us to see through our own bullshit rationalizations on our own, especially when something is deeply engrained due to the simultaneous conditioning of our culture and our own mind/desires.
Ibogaine is really not a recreational drug. It is of great therapeutic value. However, it is not something that will just make all of one’s addictions go away if you don’t want them to. But if someone is ready and willing to truly transform, it can open the door and help you walk through it.