An Ibogaine Experience – Non-Chemical Dependence
“I was wanting, at this period in my life, to recall lost childhood memories….”
I had read material given me by the person who obtained the ibogaine. It spoke mainly of relief from drug dependencies. Since I was not a drug dependent individual I found the input from the material more or less irrelevant.
The part that I was interested in had come from other sources, and that was the possibility of experiencing a regression or a clear remembrance of earlier life experiences.
I was wanting, at this period in my life, to recall lost childhood memories. I have for many years looked at my life in all aspects, as much as possible, but realized one important component was missing. I had not been able to connect with the emotions of my childhood except in a few specific memories, and even that had the quality of not being fully experienced.
I planned the experience by setting up a space that I would feel comfortable in. Twelve hours before taking the ibogaine I ceased eating. In the room I had set up a large board with photographs of myself and other members of my family (parents, children, siblings, ex-wife, etc.) to help focus and help push against the “forgotten stored memories”.
The effect of the dose started within forty-five minutes and built up to a peak in about two or three hours. The first experience in the physical sense was the feeling of a great pressure pushing down on my head, as if a great weight was being lowered on me. Some dizziness accompanied this phenomenon. I also had some hallucinations; faces appearing in front of me then fading off to the distance. I didn’t recognize anyone in those faces.
For the first two or three hours the above happened and I also found myself recalling memories that I had already experienced. The one difference was that there seemed to be a sense that there was a different connection between them, and that I was having insights into these repeated sequences.
A very powerful experience then began to happen, and after the second time I recognized a pattern. As I began to experience a memory, I would become nauseous and have to get up (a difficult task) vomit and then come back and proceed. I can only propose that my ego was fighting me for these memories.
For a large percentage of the time I was quiet, except when those who were with me would ask me questions, have me look at the photos and when I would explain an internal experience. I lay under a blanket as I felt chilled.
The total effect of the drug lasted approximately eight hours. I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be, but by that time I needed to sleep. It wasn’t until the next morning that my real experience happened.
After I awoke I had no desire to get out of bed. At some point I went into a spontaneous regression and saw myself as approximately eight or nine years old. I was standing in what I could best describe as a black space (like the universe) there were no stars or light of any kind, although I could seem to see . It was at this time I contacted that child that was me and felt the complete and utter isolation that I had been feeling since I was too young to remember. All alone in the universe. I spent hours crying and moaning and experiencing my realization.
From that experience I now am able to understand my anxiety of feeling uncomfortable when I’ve been alone. The experience has also opened up my emotions. Since that time I have had no problem crying and feeling pain, where before I could become rigid and stuff it or perhaps not even be aware of my emotions. I’ve gotten in contact (with the help of a counselor) with other aspects of my life that had been stopped because of this closed part of me.
I don’t know if I would have reached this point in my life process if I hadn’t done the ibogaine, but it is apparently true that my life process has opened in a way that in the past 54 years it hadn’t been able, even though I had been doing a lot of deep internal searching.