Defragging My Harddrive – Non-Chemical Dependence

“I chose to experience Ibogaine primarily out of the spirit of adventure…”

I chose to experience Ibogaine primarily out of the spirit of adventure. I was at a place in my life where I was wanting more of something but not knowing what it was. I had been looking for several years and was getting tired of the feeling of not getting anywhere. Kind of a midlife changing time but nothing to change to. I went in with the intention of connecting with my life purpose, and clearing away anything blocking my way to achieving it. Also to gain any knowledge or experience that I may need. I really wanted to more fully open my heart to the love of life. But I couldn’t describe it as that at the time. I had reservations about a plant’s ability to provide these things for me and concerns about damage to my body in any way.

My experience it seems, was guided solely by my intention. I remember the first sensations of it coming on and I thought “there is no turning back now.” I did a lot of deep breathing to clear the fear. I was amazed at how conscious, aware and alert I was throughout the whole experience. It was clear that this was not going to be an escape or an hallucinatory experience of any kind. Two hours into the experience I knew there was nothing harmful for my body in any way. In fact a powerful cleansing was taking place throughout my whole system. I felt chronic pains in my neck that had been with me for years disappear. In fact whole knots that had been there for years, softened and dissolved.

It was very apparent that this experience was going to be different than anything I had ever experienced before in this life. Different than anything I could have imagined or prepared for.

I was getting pictures running in my head like little movies from my past. Some were repeated, some just played out in nonsense order. There was no way to make any interpretation of them or change them. I compare the sensation to a “defrag of the hard drive.” Any memories of experiences stored in my brain that were incomplete or stuck in some way were being systematically cleared out. It seemed to me that if a life experience is not allowed to complete itself in some way then there is some belief constructed, and emotional energy tied with the memory of that event hangs around. The event-construct is kind of stuck in the brain tying up vital life energy from that point on. As the Ibogaine enters the brain, it makes contact with this stuck stuff and fires off the neurons producing a picture and clearing the emotional charge all at once: clearing all the stuck fragments in a similar way that a computer clears up file fragments stored on a hard disk.

I remember vividly a scene where my Dad is slapping my older brother with a belt. I didn’t know what he did to deserve it. I just knew I didn’t want to do what he did or be like him and I feared my dad for what he might do. This was one of those events, mixed with beliefs, that just sort of stuck there with no way to clear itself. After the Ibogaine, I felt somehow free of the burden of having to carry all that stuck stuff around with me. My ability to think is more clear and I process information with more ease: like my hard drive has been “defragmented.”

The experience lasted much longer than I had anticipated. I felt as if I was on board a ship in a storm. I felt at least three distinct standing wave patterns moving through me. Front to back, right to left and side to side. This lasted for about 36 hours continuously. It wasn’t really uncomfortable. I felt OK. I just couldn’t walk without getting dizzy. Crawling was even difficult. I could make the ever-present sounds, pictures, and rocking motion uncomfortable or relaxing depending on how I looked at it.

I got more auditory memories than visual ones. The constant ringing sound of the “cosmos” was ever present in my head. And most of the pictures I saw were accompanied by full scores of musical accompaniment. Some of my “memories” were mixed up, some half made up — images like cartoon characters and pencil sketches of events instead of the actual pictures. But, I knew what events they depicted and for what purpose they were intended. They were not hallucinations though, more like limited perceptions of events.

For the first couple of hours I kept trying to make sense out of it: to get some message or meaning that I could take back. This struggle to succeed, to make it all worth it was completely a waste. It left me with a profound sense of failure and disappointment. About 16 or so hours into it I felt very depressed: like a total failure. Fortunately that feeling only lasted for 8-10 hours more.

I could see why the Ibogaine is non-addictive. It’s no fun, and it’s not an escape. What I did get from it though, was the sense that something deep down within me was satisfied. I had felt throughout my whole life that something was missing at my core: some unnamable missing thing. And I’ve been spending my whole life searching for this whatever it was. I’ve been trying to fill it up with my life somehow. Now that hole (or is it “whole”) has been satisfied. I can just be here in life without the need to search for something or fix anything. I don’t have to have problems to fix, with which I can justify my self worth and existence. I don’t have to have a reason for being here.

What I got from the Ibogaine is that: all I am here for is to have fun living life. I now feel complete with life. Like I could die now and it would be OK. There is nothing I need to do or finish or accomplish to make my life worth living. It just is. Since I am here, I am truly free to experience life – free of judgment of myself and my experience about it being right or wrong or good enough. It just is. I am somehow now empowered to choose. Those old unconscious beliefs that used to run me are still there, but they do not have so much power behind them. I can choose to follow them or not. I could choose my old patterns but they just don’t give me the joy that I know is possible. I feel much more natural with my heart opened to myself and my life.

On the third morning I woke up laughing and crying alternately. Laughing just because it felt good to laugh and crying just because life felt so sweet to experience. Later Suzan found me on the floor laughing again. I said: “I am laughing at what we were laughing at earlier this morning even though I can’t remember what it was. I know it was funny.” It just felt good to laugh so I did.

Three months later. None of the stiffness or pain has returned to my neck. I feel fine in every way. My body feels more like 28 years old instead of 38. I seem to have a whole lot more life energy available for myself. I still sense changes going on from the Ibogaine: subtle shifts in thinking and my choices. Its just a lot easier to go through life. I don’t seem to have problems anymore, just more opportunities to have fun and grow.