Frank R. – Chemical Dependence
“I had a drinking problem (mostly beer). Once I got started it was hard to..”
I became interested in ibogaine when I read an article on it in the Networker magazine. I was interested in it because I’d been practicing lucid dreaming. What I read fit in with what I was doing. I was attracted to the initiatory use natives had made of this plant, going back to the Source, and becoming master dreamers.
I had a drinking problem (mostly beer). Once I got started it was hard to stop but I did stop, sometimes for weeks at a time, when the hangovers got too unpleasant. I would go back to drinking after a stressful experience, or getting angry, or sometimes as a kind of self-sabotage when I was feeling exceptionally good.
Since ibogaine I have had no desire whatsoever to take even one drink. The impulse of self-sabotage is gone. I’m more hopeful about what I can do, or how things will turn out. If something upsets me, it no longer feels like everything is hopeless. I’m more confident and at ease with life.
I took a mid-range dose of ibogaine at [11:30] in the morning. I didn’t get nauseated or feel any ill effects. It started to take effect after about 20 minutes and the therapist recommended that I lie down.
The ibogaine came on very strong during the first hour. I was seeing beams of blue-white light penetrating different areas of my brain. These areas would light up like fireflies, on and off. In that instant I could go into an information sequence from the area of the brain that was lighting up. It happened so fast and there were so many things lighting up that I could only catch pieces of each one. One example: when I looked at the therapist I distinctly saw her present face, plus her face in two past lives. She later confirmed that she was aware of these past lives. What I was seeing was like a huge file which I could access. I saw other beings in the file the same way. What I knew to be their present faces and then faces they had worn previously.
This sequence and others continued through the peak of the experience, the first four hours or so.
I had talked to the therapist beforehand about my separation issue. I felt that I had a Dr. Jekyll side and a Mr. Hyde side, switching from being very sweet to the coldest person on earth.
I want to explain that what I’m calling dreams were absolutely real experiences, and that I felt no anxiety. I saw myself as an innocent little baby wrapped in a receiving blanket. From the bottom of the blanket, extending from my baby body, came a hideous creature which I knew as my Mr. Hyde self. The therapist asked me to embrace the creature. In my baby body, I reached out and hugged the separated, evil looking part of myself. I wasn’t fearful. As I drew my separated self toward me we merged. I felt an impact, and we saw and felt the parts connect. Each half had receiving points and penetrating points. I saw them connected into and through each other.
It’s hard to remember all the waking dreams because they came so fast. But on the third day time slowed down. I went into an initiatory experience.
Some time ago I had a lucid dream where I was about to launch myself up into the starry sky, but something grabbed my shoulder and held me back, and I woke up. On ibogaine I was looking up into the same starry sky with two large rectangles composed of blue white lights on either side of me. These banks of light launched me into the galaxy. As I picked up speed my body melted, changing into an ovoid of golden light. I penetrated many different galaxies, moving at great speed. After a while I perceived other golden orbs. We were all heading from different directions to a planet or asteroid with many craters, hanging in space. I entered a huge cylindrical tunnel with a golden light that was so bright it hurt my eyes. I had to squint. I saw a city below, in a crater, surrounded by the blue-white light. I entered a circular chamber where many people and other beings were standing. I was directed by my own knowing to an area where several beings sat on thrones. If I looked at anyone’s face, I would see them change into their past-life identities. I knew I had to look at a bright, blue-white light that was on one of the thrones. It was too intense to focus on, but I tried because I knew I had to. Then I turned around toward the other beings in the room and was directed by my knowing to kneel. One of the beings touched me on both shoulders and my head with a golden sword or beam of light.
I saw a gigantic figure, half man and half beast, in arbor, slumped against a wall. I looked down and saw that my chest was huge and covered with thick, black hair. I started thinking maybe I was half man and half beast and became confused. The dream was dissolved.
Since I took ibogaine I feel a closer connection with the source and with other people. I feel like I’ve integrated a part of me which, when separated, was uncontrollable and created problems for me. I would like to take ibogaine for further self-exploration.