The Spiralling Universe – Chemical Dependence
“My name is Dave. I am 31 years old, and have struggled with drug addiction since I was 11 years old…”
My name is Dave. I am 31 years old, and have struggled with drug addiction since I was 11 years old. Prior to that, I was a most unhappy child. I was terrified of my parent’s anger, and I sought many ways to escape the feelings of doubt, fear, disillusion, and confusion, although at the time I didn’t comprehend the meaning of those words. I was just scared. At age 11 I first got high, and from the very first time, there was never enough. If I wasn’t high, I was always trying to get high. It made me feel safe, and for a long time it worked. Yet there was always the underlying feeling of fear. My addiction took me to many beautiful spaces, but mostly it brought me despair and depression. I went from drug to drug seeking the right combination or strength, with some successes, but ultimately, there was never enough.
I moved across the United States to escape my family horrors, thinking that would solve things, but wherever I went, so did my addiction. In California, I was introduced to harder drugs, freebase cocaine and Persian heroin. I had done plenty of cocaine before, and certainly plenty of Demerol, and codeine, but nothing compared to what I encountered with freebase and Persian dope. I danced with it for several years, until finally in 1990 I got into an automobile accident and broke my back. Having an endless prescription for painkillers, I was off and running. Soon, they weren’t enough, and I had people bringing me morphine and heroin, whatever I could get. Eventually, the good doctor cut me off, and I was supposed to continue physical rehab and move on. But I had a taste of the opiate bliss, and soon enough I had a connection for my heroin. Slowly but very surely, it crept its way into my entire existence, at first I was into the Dutch method of smoking it on tinfoil. But sooner than later that wasn’t enough and I began to mainline inject the dope. Then came the speedballs, and a constant spiraling downward until I had nothing. I was homeless, and completely strung out. I had stolen from all my family and friends, and couldn’t be trusted for anything. I was completely alone in my addiction.
In desperation, I tried many times to kick, with pills or Methadone, cold turkey, residential treatment facilities, but I was always drawn back into what I knew best, a way to stop the pain. In a dark cloud of confusion, doubt and fear, there were glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel, but they were few and far between. At one point I managed to get a year and a half clean from all drugs, but I came to a point where both my emotional and physical pain was so great, I once again retreated into the opiate womb. Oblivion seemed far more attractive than kicking again, and I had resigned to the fact that I would die with a needle in my arm before I was 30 years old. After several attempts at Methadone detoxes, I gave in and got on Methadone maintenance. I hated the idea of it, but it was better than returning to the street and a life of crime. I was able to stabilize my life, but I was making it to the Methadone clinic and trying to justify what I was doing. For me, Methadone was a prison without walls. A ball and chain. I told myself I would get off in two years. Two years came and went. And I was still on a high dose. I was in school, and that involved computers. I was browsing the internet, and I made a fascinating discovery.
Ibogaine. An alkaloid from the Tabernathe Iboga plant from Africa. An experimental treatment for addiction discovered quite by accident in the 1960’s. I was captivated. I knew at that moment that it was true. I began to read everything I could about ibogaine. There was a wealth of information about it on the internet, and the more I read the more I wanted to try it. Sure, I had my doubts, but I had an intuitive feeling that this was something special. It took me a year to find the right source.
Mt first treatment was¡ an ordeal. It didn’t go as planned. I was unable to keep down the full dose due to severe nausea, and I was very uncomfortable and in pain. But I went through with it anyways. It was a very introspective experience. At first I was frightened, but that passed and I went through what seemed to be a time tunnel, traveling through the stars. I could feel my physical body weighted to the earth, yet my soul seemed to be traveling through space. It was a very peculiar feeling, slightly uncomfortable. I did feel safe, even though I was in some pain, mainly due to the nausea and my still troublesome back pain. I could feel my body going through a metamorphosis. I felt a rocking motion, and a spinning sensation that gathered momentum. A vaporous glow was rippling out of my body, as I traveled through this tube to the stars. I was told many things. I was reassured that I was safe. Then I reached what seemed to be a holding place. I was at a threshold that I was unsure of going past. I didn’t feel ready, and I began to travel again, and I wasn’t sure if it was further on, or backwards. I saw many faces, and I “knew” them to be past lives. I saw the earth in prehistory, in the times of the gods, with many marble structures. I was taken to an ancient prison, where I saw myself clawing at the earth with bare fingers, digging my way out. I watched myself punch a hole into the earth and a gleam of sunlight burst through. There was much more but it is hard to recall everything and then articulate it. As the ibogaine wore off, I realized I was experiencing some withdrawal, and after analyzing what I threw up, we discovered that I had only absorbed half of the therapeutic dose. We decided to wait a week, and then have a second treatment. During that week I was exhausted and had some very minor withdrawals, mainly restlessness, leg cramps, and twitching.
My second ibogaine experience was the most spectacular, incredible, mind expanding, reincarnational journey that I have ever had. It was beyond my wildest hopes and imagination, and that doesn’t even come close to what it was like.
At [spp-timestamp time="12:15"] PM I took 750 mg of ibogaine base with an additional 100 mg of ibogaine hydrochloride. We mixed it with sugar and placed it into gel caps. After taking anti-nausea pills and the ibogaine, it was about an hour before the ibogaine began to take over. I experienced no nausea this time. My guide had put on some piano CDs and the first thing I noticed was that I could see the spatial coordinates of the room with my eyes closed. There were Persian rugs forming in place of the wall paper. I was at total peace, and was meditating for the truth, and strength. A reflective surface formed above me, and I realized I was looking up at the surface of a lake, as the ripples and reflections flowed above me. Nebulous shapes began to drift by my field of vision. As I turned my head from side to side I was aware that I was sinking down¡ becoming one with the soil and the bottom of the lake. I knew at that point that I was returning to the Earth, and I knew what it was like to be a lake bed, watching the sky for eternity, with complete patience and awareness. Bright blue reflective bubbles began to sink down towards me, glassine and rippling with shape and liquidity. I felt another sinking sensation and I sank deep into the Earth. At that point, still seeing the spatial coordinates of the room I was in, the Universe appeared beyond the transparent confines of the room. Sacred geometry began to form, with spherical spiraling forms revolving around and around. Fractals and DNA strands, pulsing and changing with form and color began to Dance in synchronicity to the Music. As this began to unravel, I felt a gentle rocking and spinning sensation, and I knew my soul was separating from its physical body and returning to its eternal oneness with the Cosmos. There was no fear, only truth, beauty, tranquility, and unity.
An infinite amount of souls began to flow around me, in liquid blue luminescent form. I was one with these souls, as they were one with me and as a whole we are God. I knew at that point that there is no end to the chain of reincarnation. A voice began to tell me many things, that I was eternal, that I was good, that there is always light, there is no evil, only lessons to be learned. An infinite eternity of spiraling form and color continued to dance, while immaculately divine forms flowed through my soul into oneness with the universe. There was no doubt, confusion, or fear, only awareness of light and transcendence.
I became aware that the pain, suffering, doubt, confusion and fear that I hold as an addict is a spiritual matter, that I had lost touch with my soul. Male and Female forms glowing with fertility drifted through me, and the chain of life was everywhere. This was not a hallucination. I recognized everything I saw, as it is etched into my soul for eternity. This was my “remembering.” To go back, and come forth again. The affirmation of my unity with the Cosmos. This process repeated itself over and over again, for 18 hours straight, with visuals and complete peace the entire time. This was to engrave all this knowledge into my mind/soul/life.
At a certain point I gained the knowledge of my path in life, why I feel the way I do, why I get terrified, confused, and why it seems as if there is only darkness. All these things are an illusion, a growing for the human experience. Many years I steeped in my addiction, with little or no focus or direction. I was either high or trying to get high. At any cost, I was shown that this was just a period of darkness that was a most valuable learning experience that I could look back on and prosper from the wisdom I gained.
The two treatments were most exhausting, and I have been resting for a week now since the last treatment. I went through absolutely no withdrawals after the second treatment. Besides being tired, I feel very much alive, clean, and ready to put into practice the things I have been shown thru this very special and unique treatment for addiction. I feel like a new person, while retaining all my good qualities that I was blinded to in my addiction. May all suffering addicts seeking treatment find ibogaine.